Reaching Out

I opened up and put a tiny bit out there. I was dubious that it would be okay.
Would I regret it?
I quickly went to bed before I could change my mind.
The answers that came were gentle.
The answers were kind.
Most of all, they felt real. Well, one really did not apply but nevermind that.
I wonder how many people walk around hiding the stuff that weighs them down thinking that no one would get it.
How many people keep all the horror to themselves because they fear repercussions for not having a big enough faith.
How many should write a book in large font and plenty of spacing (so reading is easy) to give the next disconsolate soul.

Sheltered In The Arms Of God

I feel the touch of hands so kind and tender.
They're leading me in the paths that I must trod.
I'll have no fear for Jesus walks beside me
For I'm sheltered in the arms of God.

So let the storm clouds rage high,
The dark clouds rise,
They don't bother me;
For I'm sheltered in the arms of God.
He walks with me,
And naught of earth shall harm me,
For I'm sheltered in the arms of God.

Soon I shall hear the call from heaven's portals
Come home my child,
It's the last mile you must trod
I'll fall asleep
And wake in God's sweet heaven
For I'm sheltered in the arms of God.

So let the storm clouds rage high,
The dark clouds rise,
They don't bother me;
For I'm sheltered in the arms of God.
He walks with me,
And naught of earth shall harm me,
For I'm sheltered in the arms of God.

Last week felt a bit of a turning point. I can't say I felt His touch, but I felt the hope that I could feel His touch. O haste the day when I can feel like myself! O haste the day when I don't feel so alone.

Tears. Ad Rem. Or Should It Be Ad Nauseum.

I have so many to cry tonight.
I long to empty my gut wrenching tears and be done.
I want to be me. I miss me.
How many times have I told people near me in the last couple years that I miss me.
Some have laughed.
Some have rolled their eyes.
Most have not gotten the point.
But today I realized why.
As I recounted the agony of bringing my firstborn into the world, I could nearly feel the pain again.
It went on for so long.
I thought I would never be the same.
Lo and behold, I am not.
When the story came to an end, she said something that rang very true to my heart.
She spoke to the loss that happened. At a time when I expected to just live and be and enjoy the moment, I was dealing with loss that really felt like death.
I have felt that loss in every area of my life sans one.
My intimate friendships have taken huge hits.
My just-learning-to-know-you friendships have been so limited.
Worst of all, my spiritual faith seemed to take a huge hit. First I was too sick to think and felt carried along. Then when I felt like my faith was getting back up and figuring out how to brush off the debris, the bottom fell out of my world.
The only place I have not felt like crumbled was my marriage. I can't say that I have felt loss there, per se. Yet, there have been many times and places that we have longed to do and be more but could not.
So back to the tears.
Tonight I just want to mourn the fact that I did lose me.
I really have reason to feel like I miss me.
I am not the same person I used to be.
Who gave whom the permission to change it all up?