Pain

So I was reading about birth trauma tonight.
A specific story reminded me of how much pain I endured during both of my boys labors.
But the one at the forefront of my mind is the freshest.
I was WELL on my way to giving birth by the time labor actually started. All things considered it was that perfect start to the rocky road I was choosing. Sometimes I wonder if the choice of road has made my inner pain worse.

But the pain.
I have never been in so much pain.
After surgery, they make sure you don't feel that kind of pain.
If you were at home and had something happen, the first thing you would do is go to ER.
At the time I did not really register how much pain I was in.
The midwife said in all her 20 or 25 years of deliveries she does not think she has ever seen a mama in so much pain and still so strong.

Was I too strong? That has always been the message of my arrows.
Was I a wimp to give up and go for surgery? I know I was not. But I still wonder.
For weeks I could feel the bruising from the source of pain during labor.
I almost relished it. It kept me connected to the truth.
The truth was that I had tried my best and had the best help.
And it was all beyond our doing or undoing.
Some days I still feel "phantom" pain.
The bruising really was pretty severe. It was excruciating.
But then as now, I relish it because it grounds me to the truth.

I did my best.
So why does it hurt so badly?

In my heart.
In my head.
In the scars on my body.

I watch him toddle around.
Nearly trying to run.
When did he get so big?

I look at him and think how much he has grown in the last year.
I look at him and subconciously rub what used to be a very large belly.
I enjoyed being pregnant with him. His pointy butt was so easy to see and touch.
And then one day he was in my arms.
How did he get there? When did that happen?

I well remember the days of longing to see him.
I was uncomfortable. Huge, in fact.
I well remember the days of his tiny fat cheeks.
I wonder how that changed.
What happened?
How did he get here?

Will I ever know?
Does every mother wonder the same?
How did he get here?