Questions

I look around and wonder.
How my mind would feel right now.
How my body would be changed.
How my days would play out.

I look around and wonder.
Why does no one talk about this.
Why does everyone ignore it.
Why does it feel so alone.

I look around and wonder.
How many mama's feel the same.
How many babies are not here.
How many times they are missed.

I look around and wonder.
If I'll ever understand.
If I'll ever be here again.
If I'll ever forget.

Why does no one talk about the babies that they lose.
Why do people think I'm crazy for remembering that my body is no crib just now.
What should I expect this week?
I so understand why so many choose to try having a baby fairly soon.
It would be o so much easier if I had another in utero.
But alas, I don't.
And I wonder.

4 weeks Remain

I feel so sad today.
And guilty.
To speak of it rationally makes no sense to be guilty, but I feel it anyway.

I am so AWARE that I'm not pregnant with Hannah.
I find myself looking at the calender and wondering how long it will be.
I catch myself "planning" the next month around this empty hole.
And then realize that there is nothing to plan around.
Am I the only one losing her mind doing such stuff?
Yvonne (no one here) tells me probably not.
Yet, I feel so crazy I hardly open up and ask.

I think about my baby so often.
She comes up unbidden in my every day stuff.
And then I feel guilty.
Guilty bc she is not with me.
Guilty bc I was so selfish.
Guilty for reasons I can't even put words to.
I try so hard to remind my humanity-riddled self that I have nothing to feel guilty about and it is a lie of the devil.
Yet, I still struggle.
I pray and pray.
And yet don't even know how.

What if I had EMBRACED the fact I knew I was pregnant.
What if I had CLAIMED this child that grew within me?
What if?
We asked God to do what was best for us.
It was so. painful.
So. hard.
What if he chose to give another child?
We have been through the journey of a very surprise-ridden pregnancy and it is not the end of the world.
But it was hard!
What if He chose to take that Little Life back to Him?
Would it be any easier, I wondered?

Reduction

I am off. I had such! dry mouth on Tuesday that I decided to just not take any Zoloft on Wednesday. I have been just fine.

I can't tell you how much better I feel. (Not because I am off Zoloft but because my head is... well.) I literally feel taller. I feel lighter and thinner. I assure you the couple pounds around my middle made very very little differenc in my actually weight and percieved thickness.

Feel very sorry for my children. They are quite unsure what to make of this new Mama. She says something and means it. She enforces it and does not fight blowing her top. She is calm and sure in what she says and does.

I feel invincible. I think I could do anything at all. I am totally unsure where to start. There are so many areas of my life that are behind and lagging from brain power-absence. In the last 3 days I have thoroughly cleaned my room, and Bathroom, the living room - with the exception of fixing the curtains, the kitchen has been dug into, swept multiple times, moppped and made neat. Now if you think all that is no big deal, then just think so. But I can tell you that I have not been able to work like that AND care for the boys AND keep my head calm for a long loong LONG time.

I can't tell you how free I feel. I stand in AWE. Let it be perfectly clear that this entire journey to health has been from God. He gets the praise for anythin good!!! I stand in AWE.

Health Matters

I had been searching. For a way to help my body. I tried a couple things but it was just not quite right. Through a conversation and more pondering I decided to look into a colon cleanse. (If you want to stop reading here you may. But I promise you will miss something good.) I found one I instinctively knew would be good. Blessedherbs.com. Look them up. Very nice. Getting ahead of myself...

I talked to Mike. I let it rest. I came back and searched some more. I unintentionally left the window open at blessedherbs. Mike came to see what he could see. He saw blessedherbs. He thought it seemed good. We talked. I let it rest. he asked if I thought it would do him any good. WHAT!!?!?!???! Are you kidding me? Of course!

We ordered. I have been making fresh raw organic apple juice every day for about 10 days.

This morning I woke up feeling different. Ina good way, but kind of odd. I pondered it all morning. I thought about it while I had a broken molar repaired. I came home to take my next "dose" and realized a few things.
1. I am done.
2. the terrible abandonment issues I had on Sat were real. And residual.
3. I did not finish the whole program as it came but I am through.
4. I need to decrease my meds.

WHAT???!??? Yes, I started having dry mouth issues this morning. It has gotten worse all day. That was my clue last time that I should change. I am going to try it again.
Saturday was the school picnic. I was in a funk. I was struggling with my weight. I was stressed about clothes. I was terrified to be left alone. We were standing in line to eat. The end of the line. No one really to talk to. Mike walked 15feet to the grills and I nearly lost it. I felt like he had gone 1500mi. All day I had anxiety and abandonment issues but not really in relation to anything specific. I felt like maybe I was going down hill fast. I was perplexed as to what was up with all of this.
I have not finished the program, however!, I have been doing juicing and stuff that has previously done some serious cleansing work physically.

Right now I feel really good. My head feels different. I don't know how to describe it... Dare I say it? I almost feel like I may be well. I feel as if I have not a care in the world. I feel as if everything is fine. I feel as if I could quit my meds altogether. I feel if my weight were gone I might actually be me.

We shall see how the med reduction works out. I promise I am completely in touch with reality.

DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW HUGE THIS IS???

Hiding

I worry about me sometimes.
Today is one of those days.
My blonde angels
better known as boys
are playing so sweetly.
They have new kittens in the garage.
Me? I am hiding.
I am afraid to engage.
One day I fear I will pay for my distance.
But I just can't go.
I want to be alone.
Yet, not really.

Most of all, I must go.
Give to my boys.
My husband.
My sisters.
My family.
My life.

But I am hiding.

Babyless Mama

I have been on such a roller coaster.
I could not figure out why.
Then I was reminded of this tiny little thing they call
Post-Partum Depression.
Duh.
I am new mom.
No Baby.
No fun bump.
No heart beat.
In fact lots of people have no idea.
But a new mom nonetheless.

I took the EPDS test and scored 12.
Significantly up from my previous 7.
I also increase my meds a tiny bit.
(Yes, I have Dr's permission to self-adjust.)

It continues to amaze me how much better I feel on such a tiny bit.
Health nut as I am, I am forever grateful to Western medicine for Zoloft.
It saved my life.

AfterShock

Clearing my head last Saturday really was so helpful.
I could breathe.
My brain could breathe.

But it has been hard too.
It opened up space to look at more grief.
And even when I am not *looking* at grief,
It is all around me.

My sister is cooking and singing.
I don't want to squash her
Or even the feelings it all evokes.
Think I'll go clean my bathroom.

Some place where my tears can be unhindered.

I am so emotional these days.
There are so many pains that threaten to undo me.
The smallest blip and I'm tearing up again.

I try to be thankful for the tears.
I have not always been able to cry.
It is bondage to have all that saltwater dammed up, rotting in your soul.

Saltwater.
Yesterday I spent plenty of time in saltwater.
Ocean water.
It was cold.
I was warm.
It was breezy.
I was calm.

I felt as if I had finally found a refuge.
If even for just an hour.
I tried to find my voice.
To talk with the Master Of The Wave.
To really let all the tumbled, jumbled thoughts out.
To not worry about anyone needing anything.
To not have a time slot whose bounds dared not be overstepped.

In the spirit of Calypso's mama, I took to writing in the sand.
To be able to honestly put in letters what was weighing me down
The hardest part.
Then to let a wave wash it away.
I have given it to Him.
I must leave it there.

False starts.
Incomplete words.
Watching the waves.
Rehydrating in the chilly water.
Feeling pulled to be real by the Light of the Son.
Wrapped in warmth by rays of sun.

I am grieved beyond words as this new day dawns.
If I really am going to leave those pains
washed away in the great Pacific
as a picture for my own reminding,
Then I must lay it down again. Today.

I may have lost.
I have also loved.
I am not lost.
I am loved.
I must claim that.
Keep it in perspective.

In my time of searching I had to know that I would not be washed away.
I found others to remember.
Babies held by the Father rather than their mama.
Some have names.
Some are just fleeting memories.
All are loved, wanted and missed.

There were some struggles that I photographed.
Some were just too hard.
But nonetheless I gave them to Him.
The pain.
The confusion.
The struggle.
There is no solution for most of them.
It is just a matter of trust.
Believing He will hold me through the storm.

I have such a hard time with that just now.
I feel so alone.
Yet some days I catch glimpses that I am not.
I try so hard to hang on to those moments.
And yet to not let them become god.

Clearing The Fog

Hannah
Communion
Lynnelle
Tears
Glass Walls
Cut Couches
Backache
Weary
Lonely
Strugging

Eli, Eli, Lama Sabachthani

Stuff

There are so many things that threaten to undo me.
The greatest just now is the stuff in my head.
"What stuff?" you may ask.
The only response you will get is a blank stare and 753 head shakes.

I don't know.
So much confusion.
Should I?
Should I not?
Can I?
Will it kill me?
Will it make me stronger?

I wish I had punching bag.
I really do.
At least I could burn out the frustration.
Then maybe I could see clearly enough to sort out "the stuff".

Reflections On Loss

I have a glass wall in my head.
Behind it lies a lot of emotion and turmoil.
Some days I can see through it, others I run blindly into it.
Some days I feel as if I am handed the keys to unlock the door.
But I always turn away in fear.

The tears that leak out from around that wall are strong enough I fear to open the door.
They will wash me away.
They will swallow me up.
They will rid me of ever feeling again.
So I throw back the key. And wait.
Wait for a mop.
A flood control plan.
A way to make sure.
Sure I will not die, drown or wash away in the deluge.

So she asked me if there was a theme?
Is there a sticking point that I really can't get past.
I said "No" because nothing stood out to me. Then.
But I have realized there is.
It is Loss.

So what have I really lost?
The loss of the first touch.
The loss of bodily control.
The loss of rite of passage.
The loss of being seen as a person.
The loss of motion.
The loss of recognition.
The loss of choosing.
The loss of connection.
The loss of freedom.
The loss of innocence.
The loss of support.
The loss of joy.
The loss of wholeness.
The loss of clarity.
The loss of sureness.
The loss of simplicity.
The loss of knowing.
The loss of being trusted.

Thoughts For Stilllife365 Challenge

Tears in my dishwater. Rain in my coffee. Drenching. Fiery hot. A flood of love. A deluge of pain. Joy and sorrow. gift and hope. Awash in the fire Storm in my heart Baptized in Sorrow

Tears For "are life"

I miss you. I am laying here watching Biggest Loser and I am so sad. Angry even. I am so tired of being fat. So tired.

Sorry

It seems so unfair to you. To my boys. Most of all to us!

It's ok. It didn't happen because of stupid choices on your part. Its just are life and things are getting better.

I love you. Forever!

I Don't Buy It

Don't beg my sympathy that you baby was born C/section if..
...You never tried waiting.
...You never tried labor.
...You never tried.

(Unless of course you truly had a medical reason.)
FYI: not dropping at 38 weeks is not a medical reason.

Vulnerable

I feel like I may be easily triggered today.
I slept fairly well. Even though BabyBoyBlue was up at 2:00.
I am a bit tired.
I have a sore back.
I want to cry.
I feel vulnerable.

I hope that does not get in the way today.
I have to spend a large portion of the day in a new Dr office.
With my sister.

I don't understand why I feel so edgy about it all but I do.
Hopefully I can go to the CBAC meeting too.
Guest speaker on how to integrate difficult/disappointing births.
God knows I need that.

Truth

I wish I could be honest even with my close friends about how I feel.
I wish I could describe to them the terror, fright, anxiety.
I wish I could have them feel the blood pressure and pulse surge to the point of choking.
I wish I could just find the words to tell the truth of my pain. Pain both emotional and physical.

The contractions that beat me apart.
The pushing that bruised me so.
The incision that scarred me forever.
The wound that pulls and pains.
The part of my brain I am missing. Never to find again.
The sprain in my stomach.
The pulse in my cervix.
The headaches. O the headaches.
My complete inabilty to sit up in bed for months.
The tears that never stop.

And the hatred that wells up in me when they say it is no big deal.
It maes me so so so angry.
I want to punch something.
Preferably them.
Punch the daylights out of them. When they come to I want to hear the truth about how they feel.
I have no doubt that burried under all that "epis are great" and "c-sections are no big deal" facade, I would find pain and sorrow. A bit of remorse. And wonder at what could have been...

Hannah

...for the Lord hath heard my cry.

Birthday

Today is my birthday.
I have been hounding my family for weeks about the fact that I have a birthday.
List of gift ideas on the fridge...
All price ranges included...
Random count downs...
It is my birthday.

Today is not just my birthday, though.
It is also my baby's.
3 years ago this week, I "delivered" a baby for the first time.
Straight into the Hands of Jesus.
A baby I am certain was a girl.
I named her Helen.

But today is not just her Birthday, either.
Today I am "delivering" another baby.
Straight into the Hands of Jesus.
I am certain, again, that it is a girl.
I have yet to choose a name for her.

Shame and Books

I don't know how to rise above the shame.
I felt so chided for not having read the book.
I want to read.
I want to understand and retain what I read.
I want to not have a constant headache from trying to read.
But I am not there yet.


But why do I feel so ashamed for not having read that book?
Yes, we agreed to read and discuss it.
But I told them from the get-go that I don't read very well yet and I would try.
I would try but could promise nothing more.


I felt like a small schoolgirl who willfully skipped her homework.
I felt about 2.75 inches tall.
I am sure she would declare she never meant any such harm by her off-hand chiding.
But once again, she does not believe me.
Nor did anyone else inquire more about the reading or not reading.
I felt very alone.
And my ALERT button had been pushed.


But now, days later, I still feel shame.
I feel ashamed of being here because "if I can do this surely I can read ..."
I feel ashamed for browsing my favorite blogs.
I feel ashamed for paging through that magazine.
But what few people see in all those things is that the pictures are what draw me in.

And when I do read, I don't need to retain and comprehend the whole last chapter to follow through with the current one.
I don't even need to retain the last sentence most times.




And now, because I can't see much more than shapes on a page, I will trust spell check to catch my mistakes...

Tears At The End Of The Day

I am so tired.
I am so very tired.
I have been alone with the boys for 7 hours.
It went ok. Well, in fact.
But I am so tired.

But beyond today, I am so tired.
I have been working so hard.
Taking care of me.
Taking care of my boys.
Taking care of my sister.
And I am so tired.
Will it ever end?
Will it?

I want so badly to lose weight.
I am so weary of carrying all this.
But it is so much work.
I am just too tired to try working on that yet too.
I want so badly to be my skinny self. I want so badly to be halfway to my skinny self.
But it is so much work.
I don't have room in my brain to work on that yet too.

Will it ever end?

Maybe

Maybe it will come.
Maybe I can see the Light again.
Maybe my brain will be whole.
Maybe I will be able to return to me.
One day. Some day. Soon.

Broken And Stuffed

I want so much to be whole.
I feel so fractured.
I feel so broken apart and jammed in to a box.
Not my box.
Just a box.

I don't know what to do with the abandoned part of me.
It is so real.
But I don't enjoy living there.
I want to be free from it.

But I feel so stuck.
Like I don't know how to move pat it.
Like I have no other point of reference.

But I do have other points to refer to.
So long ago.

In Which I Box

I want to learn a new sport.
I want to take up boxing.
I was watching a Biggest Loser episode in my flu-induced haze today.
I really wanted to punch something.
Jenn (Season11, Episode2) was "working it out" and I just sobbed.
Maybe I should ask for a punching bag for my birthday.
Maybe I should scour Craigslist.
Maybe I should just go upstairs and work on my canvas.
But brain exercises and markers are no match for punching.
Seriously.
What is with me???
Some days I am angry and have no reason why.
Others, like today, I just feel stuck and frustrated and want to punch something.
Never someone. Just something.
I guess that is something positive to remember.

Weaning 1.2

Yesterday he only nursed once. After his afternoon nap.
Today at 4:30 at my suggestion because he was just so cranky. But he never asked.
And before bed. But he was soon done and running to join the book reading on the other couch.

Biggest Loser

I never thought I'd say it.
I am not a candidate for my own health reasons.
But I - right now - would like to go on biggest loser.
The untaped version.
I don't care about the Show part.
I just want the unhindered chance to yell and grunt and dig out all this junk and lose this weight.
Today, that sounds kind of nice.
Tomorrow? Maybe not so much.
But, today? Yes.
Thank you.

p.s. Thanks for asking. I choose Jillian. She's more bullheaded than I.

New Steps

I've never been here before.
I don't really feel rejected.
Maybe I felt it coming.
I now it is normal. I just did not expect it yet.

But truly, I am okay with.
I want to move on.
I need time to move on.
I need time to change gears.

So, BabyBoyBlue, I love you.
You may stop breastfeeding.
It is your choice.
I will always leave it up to you.

New Years Day, he chose to go to bed without nursing.
Jan2, he chose a nap without nursing.
He still came in the morning and after nap.