Day 11

Wow. This is crazy.

Imagine, if you will, a random stranger. She is small and big.
She is quiet and outspoken.
She is you and someone you have no idea who.
She is joy and she is pain.

Now pretend you have taken her into your house.
She does crafts and charms every one.
She has no idea how to keep her room neat.
She wants to cook, yet knows not how.
She woman and she is girl.

You play games.
She cheers and frowns - all according to her own status.
She is feisty and does not pretend to care.

You take her to town.
Clothes, puzzles, coloring books and Silly Putty.
Hair bows and pretty shoes.
She wants what she wants.
And when.

We are not so different.

The Longest Birthday

Next year, come February, I am dosing everyone on garlic, elderberry, chicken broth, vitC and all things immune boosting.
For I was sick on my birthday. Again.

Last year, I was sick.
The year before i had a miscarriage.
The year before I was not mentally well and doing pretty poorly.
The year before I had a miscarriage.

Tomorrow's another day.
Another day to plan next years birthday party.
O yes I am!
I am going to be old enough to throw my own party just how I please.

Here's to good health and more children in my house before then!

The Great I AM

Simple things - like a worship song.
Small things - like a new hair bow.
Little things - like boys learning to make toast.

They all remind me of how Much I have.
They all remind me of what it means to Love.
They all bring tears to my eyes.

I am so small before The Great I AM.
I am dust.
I will sing.

Lord, Prepare our hearts.

Early Morning Sonshine

A rare event. well, several of them!
We had the pleasure of hearing St Olaf Choir last night.
Swoon. My soul has been salved. Even if we did not get home till nearly 10pm.

This morning, we all slept in.
It was almost magical.
When I finally left my room, I thought I was still the only one awake.
BWAHAHAhahaha.

Two little boys sat on the couch. Each on their own couch. Quietly playing with toys.
One had a baby and blanket and was fussing and fluffing lie a little mother hen.
The other was proclaiming to me how he "hid my fork lift in the rag drawer and Gilead didn't find it. Yay!" with a thumbs up and Dfamily twinkle in his eye.

And so began my day at 6:45.

I have no hopes of repeating this anytime soon.
But I will live on the memory for the next few months.

Orphans Tears

I wake to a new day.
My eyes are gritty.
I want to stay in bed.
I think of all the children.
I was crying in my sleep.

The fog rolls in.
I can see not far beyond my house.
But my heart is nowhere near.
I was crying in my sleep.

Lost.
It's such an empty word.
So filled with big feelings.
I was crying in my sleep.

But the sun is peaking through.
Through big clouds and high over fog.
I wonder about today.
What will it hold?

Lord, prepare out hearts.

All Things New

When you have been through deep grief, joy looks different.
When you have traveled long, dusty roads, rain has a strange scent.
When you have seen the Light, life takes on a new hue.

A Season Of Hope

So much of what I write here is sad. Sometimes it is in the moment. Sometimes I just have to get it out of my head.

But my life is not all weary and worn. There are fabuluosities on the horizon. I am excited. Only God knows how they will play out.

Silent Loss

Miscarriages are violent creatures.

First, you find out you are pregnant.
Maybe you wanted this little one. Maybe you prayed long and hard for her conception.
Maybe this is a shocking surprise, but you are thrilled nonetheless.
Maybe this is so shocking, it is almost sad and you are completely filled with great trepidation.

Second, you wrap your head around it.
Or at least try.
Amount of time this takes varies greatly from one experience to the next.

Third, you begin to bleed.
And you feel as if all hell had broken loose in your heart.
Maybe you are devastated. You hoped for so long.
Maybe you are sad, but not surprised.
Maybe you are relieved and beating yourself up for feeling it.

Fourth, you carry on.
No one sees the sad day your heart is crushed.
No one sees that you are dying inside.
No one sees the moment you can't forgive yourself.

So you choose to talk about it.
I chose to talk about it.
I found so much support and compassion.
I have had miscarriages that looked like all three^^ scenarios.
I still found huge support.

But then one day, it is  enough.
My baby went to Heaven months ago.
No one really remembers.
But my heart is still crushed.

And instead of carrying on as if nothing is wrong, my hair is still falling out.
My breasts still tingle and think about making milk.
My mood is a bit vulnerable.
My cycle is a touch topsy-turvy.
And all shall remain so till I reach close proximity for April 19.

See, no one wants to know all th^se things.
But I face them every day.
I just hope I still have *some* hair left when April rolls around.
If I really end up with milk, I will pump it for a friend.

But what I really want... is more children.

Today Is The Day

I finally decided to let my old blog go.
I always feel stilted over there.
I know it is just in my head.
But stilted, nonetheless.

So today I put out an invitation to come over to here. Scares me. But it is done.

Welcome to all who may choose to join me here. We are old friends and they are the best anyway.

Welcome!

So today my audience - limited though they be -

Broke my record. 

Congratulations.

I hope it is someone I know and love and we can chat later. :)

If you are a troll from my friends.

Please go away. Amen.

Anywho...