Anxiety

So I joined SolaceforMothers.
I am not alone.
I am not crazy.
My pain is real.
Right now, it is very real.
My heart rate is elevated.
My nerves feel hyper vigilant.
I read over (i.e. not in full detail) a couple introductions.
I found a couple suggestions for trauma treatment and help.
The three pages I followed up with for that was too much.
I should have known better.
It will take a while for my breathing to return to normal.
Praying I don't dream about those dark places in my head,
I am off to bed.

Alone

There were lots of people.
Plenty of food.
More popcorn than necessary :)
Chatter and conversation all around. Yet I felt so lonely.
I talked to 2 people for a few minutes. Snippets with a couple others.
Longest conversation was less than 5 minutes.
We stood around for nearly an hour and a half.
I did not seclude myself. I was in the midst of it all.
Where were the people?
They flowed right by on every side. They said excuse me from behind and I'm sorry from in front.
But they kept going.

How do you build friendships?
I never thought I, of all people, would have trouble making friends.
After our touching service tonight, I wonder how long it would be till I was another Ruth.
My small hole filled and few remember.

I feel so alone.
The cry of my heart is the Call of Life.
Am I really the only one?

Dreams

Do you dream?
I have been.
I hate it.
They are sad dark dreams. I don't really know what happens.
Is there a story line?
I don't remember. But my gut says yes.
It is babies. I wake in puddles of milk.
It is sad mamas. I wake so restless.
It is the tears of my heart.

Testing

I thought I was as tired as I could get. (well I knew that was not quite true because I have been in much worse places during the last year, but those horrors aside... )
I was tired.
I was so so so ready to sleep. My head hurts from lack of sleep. My body was hurting. My heart was slowly shredding.
I collapsed in those cool sheets.
And sleep did not come.
I shared my fears with The Man I Love.
Eventually, snuggled much closer than normal, I went to be with the sandman.

Only to be awakened an hour later by BabyBoyBlue and his tears.
Earache.
Nearly two hours later, sleep called again.

Only to be awakened an hour and a half later.
Hungry. Earache.
I brought him to bed.
It was long till he slept.

Only to be awakened about two hours later.
Grumpy. Hungry. Earache.
How long, O Lord, must I endure this routine?

Emotion

Is it Anger?
Grief? Fear?
Plain old sadness?
I feel so much.
I don't know what to do with it.
Part of me wants to rage and scream and yell. Loudly.
The rest of me is too tired to do anything.
I can't even find the energy to cry.
Or is it I'm too scared to cry?
If I start, will I ever stop?
I fear not.

Horror

I am in shock.
My body is not functioning properly!
Even though my "baby" is fully a year old, even though I am not overeating, even though I am gettin more fresh air and excercise...
I am gaining weight. At horrific rates of speed.
I have never been this big.
Ever.
Not even full term with BabyBoyBlue.
I feel sick. In the pit of my stomach.
Which, by the way, is also still hungry.
Will I ever be well?

Survival

I made it.
I did not cave.
Only for one brief moment did I think I would sink.
But I made it.
Only once did I have to smell that horrid smell of burning tissue. The shudder that followed was cause for the dentist to stop and make sure I was still numb.
I made it.
I survived.
I truly felt like someone was praying for me.

Wishing I Could Clear The Air

Most people want to clear up some verbal wrong or injustice.
I literally want to clear the air.
I want the stench of a too-hot pan to go away. It burned my nose.
I still smell it in the back of my mind. It has bothered me all day.
It reminded me of the smell of a cauterized wound.
Have you ever smelled your own flesh burning? It is hideous. Makes me want to vomit.

Going Forward

Today I am making a choice. I am going forward.
I want to be grey. I want to wallow and cry.
I want so many things. Some good. Some bad.
But today, I am going forward.
I am quite unsure how this journey will be. I expect lots of changes in geography.
Come along if you dare. Walk beside me and be my friend.