4 weeks Remain

I feel so sad today.
And guilty.
To speak of it rationally makes no sense to be guilty, but I feel it anyway.

I am so AWARE that I'm not pregnant with Hannah.
I find myself looking at the calender and wondering how long it will be.
I catch myself "planning" the next month around this empty hole.
And then realize that there is nothing to plan around.
Am I the only one losing her mind doing such stuff?
Yvonne (no one here) tells me probably not.
Yet, I feel so crazy I hardly open up and ask.

I think about my baby so often.
She comes up unbidden in my every day stuff.
And then I feel guilty.
Guilty bc she is not with me.
Guilty bc I was so selfish.
Guilty for reasons I can't even put words to.
I try so hard to remind my humanity-riddled self that I have nothing to feel guilty about and it is a lie of the devil.
Yet, I still struggle.
I pray and pray.
And yet don't even know how.

What if I had EMBRACED the fact I knew I was pregnant.
What if I had CLAIMED this child that grew within me?
What if?
We asked God to do what was best for us.
It was so. painful.
So. hard.
What if he chose to give another child?
We have been through the journey of a very surprise-ridden pregnancy and it is not the end of the world.
But it was hard!
What if He chose to take that Little Life back to Him?
Would it be any easier, I wondered?