Tears At The End Of The Day

I am so tired.
I am so very tired.
I have been alone with the boys for 7 hours.
It went ok. Well, in fact.
But I am so tired.

But beyond today, I am so tired.
I have been working so hard.
Taking care of me.
Taking care of my boys.
Taking care of my sister.
And I am so tired.
Will it ever end?
Will it?

I want so badly to lose weight.
I am so weary of carrying all this.
But it is so much work.
I am just too tired to try working on that yet too.
I want so badly to be my skinny self. I want so badly to be halfway to my skinny self.
But it is so much work.
I don't have room in my brain to work on that yet too.

Will it ever end?

Maybe

Maybe it will come.
Maybe I can see the Light again.
Maybe my brain will be whole.
Maybe I will be able to return to me.
One day. Some day. Soon.

Broken And Stuffed

I want so much to be whole.
I feel so fractured.
I feel so broken apart and jammed in to a box.
Not my box.
Just a box.

I don't know what to do with the abandoned part of me.
It is so real.
But I don't enjoy living there.
I want to be free from it.

But I feel so stuck.
Like I don't know how to move pat it.
Like I have no other point of reference.

But I do have other points to refer to.
So long ago.

In Which I Box

I want to learn a new sport.
I want to take up boxing.
I was watching a Biggest Loser episode in my flu-induced haze today.
I really wanted to punch something.
Jenn (Season11, Episode2) was "working it out" and I just sobbed.
Maybe I should ask for a punching bag for my birthday.
Maybe I should scour Craigslist.
Maybe I should just go upstairs and work on my canvas.
But brain exercises and markers are no match for punching.
Seriously.
What is with me???
Some days I am angry and have no reason why.
Others, like today, I just feel stuck and frustrated and want to punch something.
Never someone. Just something.
I guess that is something positive to remember.

Weaning 1.2

Yesterday he only nursed once. After his afternoon nap.
Today at 4:30 at my suggestion because he was just so cranky. But he never asked.
And before bed. But he was soon done and running to join the book reading on the other couch.

Biggest Loser

I never thought I'd say it.
I am not a candidate for my own health reasons.
But I - right now - would like to go on biggest loser.
The untaped version.
I don't care about the Show part.
I just want the unhindered chance to yell and grunt and dig out all this junk and lose this weight.
Today, that sounds kind of nice.
Tomorrow? Maybe not so much.
But, today? Yes.
Thank you.

p.s. Thanks for asking. I choose Jillian. She's more bullheaded than I.

New Steps

I've never been here before.
I don't really feel rejected.
Maybe I felt it coming.
I now it is normal. I just did not expect it yet.

But truly, I am okay with.
I want to move on.
I need time to move on.
I need time to change gears.

So, BabyBoyBlue, I love you.
You may stop breastfeeding.
It is your choice.
I will always leave it up to you.

New Years Day, he chose to go to bed without nursing.
Jan2, he chose a nap without nursing.
He still came in the morning and after nap.