I am so emotional these days.
There are so many pains that threaten to undo me.
The smallest blip and I'm tearing up again.

I try to be thankful for the tears.
I have not always been able to cry.
It is bondage to have all that saltwater dammed up, rotting in your soul.

Saltwater.
Yesterday I spent plenty of time in saltwater.
Ocean water.
It was cold.
I was warm.
It was breezy.
I was calm.

I felt as if I had finally found a refuge.
If even for just an hour.
I tried to find my voice.
To talk with the Master Of The Wave.
To really let all the tumbled, jumbled thoughts out.
To not worry about anyone needing anything.
To not have a time slot whose bounds dared not be overstepped.

In the spirit of Calypso's mama, I took to writing in the sand.
To be able to honestly put in letters what was weighing me down
The hardest part.
Then to let a wave wash it away.
I have given it to Him.
I must leave it there.

False starts.
Incomplete words.
Watching the waves.
Rehydrating in the chilly water.
Feeling pulled to be real by the Light of the Son.
Wrapped in warmth by rays of sun.

I am grieved beyond words as this new day dawns.
If I really am going to leave those pains
washed away in the great Pacific
as a picture for my own reminding,
Then I must lay it down again. Today.

I may have lost.
I have also loved.
I am not lost.
I am loved.
I must claim that.
Keep it in perspective.

In my time of searching I had to know that I would not be washed away.
I found others to remember.
Babies held by the Father rather than their mama.
Some have names.
Some are just fleeting memories.
All are loved, wanted and missed.

There were some struggles that I photographed.
Some were just too hard.
But nonetheless I gave them to Him.
The pain.
The confusion.
The struggle.
There is no solution for most of them.
It is just a matter of trust.
Believing He will hold me through the storm.

I have such a hard time with that just now.
I feel so alone.
Yet some days I catch glimpses that I am not.
I try so hard to hang on to those moments.
And yet to not let them become god.