I got locked out of here. I have several things to explore. But I have been so busy. Since Labor day i hvehad extra to do bc of my sister being so sick. Then when the LittleSister came we started painting in the house. That is nearly done but there is still a lot to do.
Overall my head feels likeI have put birth work on hold till there is more space - literally and figuratively.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
What Makes It So Bad
She asked a simple question. at least 2 weeks ago. We never got to the answer - which is anything but simple. The whole scenario has been free-floating in my head. Will tomorrow be the day when it comes up again? I don't know. But I feel compelled to put this down.
"So, what makes it so bad?" (it refers to the boys births - BBB in particular. at the moment I cant bring myself to tell you how they got here)
For me to tell you the answer to that, I have to go back to MyFirstborn's story. In fact, I have to go back farther than that. I had been married for a whole blessed month when The Child was conceived. I can't say it was a birth control malfunction, but neither did I screw up. I guess I have always felt he was meant to be - though I still wonder why. It 5 days after conception - read: long before a missing period - that I first felt like throwing up. I was shocked and yet not really. I was horrified and yet kind of excited. I "knew" I had conceived and so I was far from surprised. But so not ready.
The months of throwing up were awful. In retrospect, I should have been hospitalized at least twice. But the OB said I was just a normal preggy. And furthermore, I was a first-time mom so maybe the whole morning sickness thing was more than I realized. I never looked back after leaving her practice.
The whole sickness thing overran my life. I did nothing fun for ages on end bc was so sick. I turned done lots of invitations bc I was so sick. It is not fun to go somewhere and be unendingly dizzy and nauseous. By the end of my allotted 9 months, I was READY to have this baby and be done being sick. I was retaining fluid at the rate of 5 lbs a week. My blood pressure was rising in equal proportion. I felt awful.
Then came the day when I risked out of the birth center. I was so sad. I cried the whole way home. I had fired my OB and gone on to more my style of care, only to end up back at the beginning. Or so it felt.
So after a relatively easy labor (except for the PIT - that stuff is evil), I nearly killed myself pushing. I pushed for almost 4 hours. And when I collapsed bc I was so worn out, The Child had not moved a whit. I begged the midwife to help me. I don't consciously remember asking for a c-section, but I told her I "need help. I can't do it". She offered me 2 options. In my gut I knew that one would not work and that the other was death to a dream. But I forged on and signed the papers.
I will never forget those papers. They changed my life. Sure, they "brought" my baby. But they brought so much more with them. The pain of surgery lingered till I thought I would just die. The pain of healing was so. so. hard. It was long and arduous journey.
One day I thought maybe I could see the light of being well. Then the pain doubled. And cycled. and redoubled. I hurt so badly I could hardly pick up my baby. He was a blessed 12 weeks old. The reason for this new pain? Ovulation. Or something like it.
The best answer they had for helping my body get back on track and do its thing, was the mini Pill. Now I had always sworn I would not use it for birth control bc I am so freaking sensitive to meds. But, It seemed the right thing to do. So I did. And all was well. Well enough that I got lazy about birth control and just stayed on the Pill bc it was truly easy.
Then came the odd symptoms. The welts. The old lady skin. The heat flashes. The reaction to my hairpins. The itchiness. The need to wash the sheets everyday. I shed so badly, you could scoop skin out of the bed. It felt like salt in the sheets. Finally, the answer to where this was coming from came. And I abruptly stopped the stupid mini Pill. Every hour was a relief. Literally. Day by day, I felt better and looked better.
When the day came that we tried to conceive, I felt even better. Every day of being pregnant was helping undo what that Pill had done. I had morning sickness but nothing like the first time.
But this time, it had been 2 years since we began this journey. It felt like one sickness led to another to another to another. That is the key to remember.
When Labor - that sweet relief - started with BabyBoyBlue, I was so glad. The pressure I was under was about to go away. All big baby scare tactics and VBAC struggles were about to be gone.
Yet, in my heart I knew this was not going to work. I wrestled with what was wrong. I wrestled with what exactly "was not going to work". I did not know. So I gave it my all. I labored like a warrior woman. I was in so much pain. I had never felt anything so strong. I did it until I knew what was wrong. I labored till I knew I had given it my all. I worked till I knew it was out of my hands.
I knew it was a boy. I knew he was a big baby. My intuition was alive and well. So when that moment came that he breathed and cried and looked around, I was done. I could do no more. I could control nothing. I had nothing to look forward to. In that moment the horror of all the pain of the last c-section experience washed over me. It had been nothing but misery from beginning to end and now I was to face it all over again. It was more fear and horror than I could wrap my brain around. Internally I backed away from the moment until I was completely gone. So gone that I have a memory lapse. So gone that my brain is forever changed. I was gone. I could not fathom having to do it all again. Even now - almost 16 mo later- I shudder at the feeling, memory.
*********************************************************************************
So how do you tell her what made it so bad?
How do you...
How?
"So, what makes it so bad?" (it refers to the boys births - BBB in particular. at the moment I cant bring myself to tell you how they got here)
For me to tell you the answer to that, I have to go back to MyFirstborn's story. In fact, I have to go back farther than that. I had been married for a whole blessed month when The Child was conceived. I can't say it was a birth control malfunction, but neither did I screw up. I guess I have always felt he was meant to be - though I still wonder why. It 5 days after conception - read: long before a missing period - that I first felt like throwing up. I was shocked and yet not really. I was horrified and yet kind of excited. I "knew" I had conceived and so I was far from surprised. But so not ready.
The months of throwing up were awful. In retrospect, I should have been hospitalized at least twice. But the OB said I was just a normal preggy. And furthermore, I was a first-time mom so maybe the whole morning sickness thing was more than I realized. I never looked back after leaving her practice.
The whole sickness thing overran my life. I did nothing fun for ages on end bc was so sick. I turned done lots of invitations bc I was so sick. It is not fun to go somewhere and be unendingly dizzy and nauseous. By the end of my allotted 9 months, I was READY to have this baby and be done being sick. I was retaining fluid at the rate of 5 lbs a week. My blood pressure was rising in equal proportion. I felt awful.
Then came the day when I risked out of the birth center. I was so sad. I cried the whole way home. I had fired my OB and gone on to more my style of care, only to end up back at the beginning. Or so it felt.
So after a relatively easy labor (except for the PIT - that stuff is evil), I nearly killed myself pushing. I pushed for almost 4 hours. And when I collapsed bc I was so worn out, The Child had not moved a whit. I begged the midwife to help me. I don't consciously remember asking for a c-section, but I told her I "need help. I can't do it". She offered me 2 options. In my gut I knew that one would not work and that the other was death to a dream. But I forged on and signed the papers.
I will never forget those papers. They changed my life. Sure, they "brought" my baby. But they brought so much more with them. The pain of surgery lingered till I thought I would just die. The pain of healing was so. so. hard. It was long and arduous journey.
One day I thought maybe I could see the light of being well. Then the pain doubled. And cycled. and redoubled. I hurt so badly I could hardly pick up my baby. He was a blessed 12 weeks old. The reason for this new pain? Ovulation. Or something like it.
The best answer they had for helping my body get back on track and do its thing, was the mini Pill. Now I had always sworn I would not use it for birth control bc I am so freaking sensitive to meds. But, It seemed the right thing to do. So I did. And all was well. Well enough that I got lazy about birth control and just stayed on the Pill bc it was truly easy.
Then came the odd symptoms. The welts. The old lady skin. The heat flashes. The reaction to my hairpins. The itchiness. The need to wash the sheets everyday. I shed so badly, you could scoop skin out of the bed. It felt like salt in the sheets. Finally, the answer to where this was coming from came. And I abruptly stopped the stupid mini Pill. Every hour was a relief. Literally. Day by day, I felt better and looked better.
When the day came that we tried to conceive, I felt even better. Every day of being pregnant was helping undo what that Pill had done. I had morning sickness but nothing like the first time.
But this time, it had been 2 years since we began this journey. It felt like one sickness led to another to another to another. That is the key to remember.
When Labor - that sweet relief - started with BabyBoyBlue, I was so glad. The pressure I was under was about to go away. All big baby scare tactics and VBAC struggles were about to be gone.
Yet, in my heart I knew this was not going to work. I wrestled with what was wrong. I wrestled with what exactly "was not going to work". I did not know. So I gave it my all. I labored like a warrior woman. I was in so much pain. I had never felt anything so strong. I did it until I knew what was wrong. I labored till I knew I had given it my all. I worked till I knew it was out of my hands.
I knew it was a boy. I knew he was a big baby. My intuition was alive and well. So when that moment came that he breathed and cried and looked around, I was done. I could do no more. I could control nothing. I had nothing to look forward to. In that moment the horror of all the pain of the last c-section experience washed over me. It had been nothing but misery from beginning to end and now I was to face it all over again. It was more fear and horror than I could wrap my brain around. Internally I backed away from the moment until I was completely gone. So gone that I have a memory lapse. So gone that my brain is forever changed. I was gone. I could not fathom having to do it all again. Even now - almost 16 mo later- I shudder at the feeling, memory.
*********************************************************************************
So how do you tell her what made it so bad?
How do you...
How?
Friday, October 1, 2010
Too Helpful
I wish they would go away.
Tonight I discovered that the reason they are so concerned about me and my being on medicine is because of the increased risk of suicide.
(Can any one point me in the direction of proving or disproving that?)
I just cannot let that keep me from doing what I know is best for me and my body and my family and my marriage and my life.
Do they know what kind of thoughts I had BEFORE meds?
Do they know what kind of picture torture your mind?
Do they know that even now, off meds and doing really well, I still have a rare " picture thought" that is not condusive to health?
I know that it is not bad.
I know how to stop that video that can so quickly play out in your brain.
I had one tonight.
They would be horrified if they knew the picture I had to put out of my mind.
Of course they would blame it on the medicine.
But once again, I choose to believe that it is the voice of ignorance that speaks these things.
I have to believe it.
If they were not ignorant and said such...
I chooose to believe they are ignorant.
Back to the suicide.
I was never suicidal before meds.
But I came to understand how depressed people can so easily, ruthlessly, disgustingly end their own life and think nothing of it.
Or seemingly think nothing of it.
I have not been suicidal since being on meds.
Why do they continue to try fixing what aint broke?
Why can they not open their ears to the true pain?
Why can they not be okay with the fact that their help is not helping?
Tonight I discovered that the reason they are so concerned about me and my being on medicine is because of the increased risk of suicide.
(Can any one point me in the direction of proving or disproving that?)
I just cannot let that keep me from doing what I know is best for me and my body and my family and my marriage and my life.
Do they know what kind of thoughts I had BEFORE meds?
Do they know what kind of picture torture your mind?
Do they know that even now, off meds and doing really well, I still have a rare " picture thought" that is not condusive to health?
I know that it is not bad.
I know how to stop that video that can so quickly play out in your brain.
I had one tonight.
They would be horrified if they knew the picture I had to put out of my mind.
Of course they would blame it on the medicine.
But once again, I choose to believe that it is the voice of ignorance that speaks these things.
I have to believe it.
If they were not ignorant and said such...
I chooose to believe they are ignorant.
Back to the suicide.
I was never suicidal before meds.
But I came to understand how depressed people can so easily, ruthlessly, disgustingly end their own life and think nothing of it.
Or seemingly think nothing of it.
I have not been suicidal since being on meds.
Why do they continue to try fixing what aint broke?
Why can they not open their ears to the true pain?
Why can they not be okay with the fact that their help is not helping?
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Reaching Out
I opened up and put a tiny bit out there. I was dubious that it would be okay.
Would I regret it?
I quickly went to bed before I could change my mind.
The answers that came were gentle.
The answers were kind.
Most of all, they felt real. Well, one really did not apply but nevermind that.
I wonder how many people walk around hiding the stuff that weighs them down thinking that no one would get it.
How many people keep all the horror to themselves because they fear repercussions for not having a big enough faith.
How many should write a book in large font and plenty of spacing (so reading is easy) to give the next disconsolate soul.
Would I regret it?
I quickly went to bed before I could change my mind.
The answers that came were gentle.
The answers were kind.
Most of all, they felt real. Well, one really did not apply but nevermind that.
I wonder how many people walk around hiding the stuff that weighs them down thinking that no one would get it.
How many people keep all the horror to themselves because they fear repercussions for not having a big enough faith.
How many should write a book in large font and plenty of spacing (so reading is easy) to give the next disconsolate soul.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Sheltered In The Arms Of God
I feel the touch of hands so kind and tender.
They're leading me in the paths that I must trod.
I'll have no fear for Jesus walks beside me
For I'm sheltered in the arms of God.
So let the storm clouds rage high,
The dark clouds rise,
They don't bother me;
For I'm sheltered in the arms of God.
He walks with me,
And naught of earth shall harm me,
For I'm sheltered in the arms of God.
Soon I shall hear the call from heaven's portals
Come home my child,
It's the last mile you must trod
I'll fall asleep
And wake in God's sweet heaven
For I'm sheltered in the arms of God.
So let the storm clouds rage high,
The dark clouds rise,
They don't bother me;
For I'm sheltered in the arms of God.
He walks with me,
And naught of earth shall harm me,
For I'm sheltered in the arms of God.
Last week felt a bit of a turning point. I can't say I felt His touch, but I felt the hope that I could feel His touch. O haste the day when I can feel like myself! O haste the day when I don't feel so alone.
They're leading me in the paths that I must trod.
I'll have no fear for Jesus walks beside me
For I'm sheltered in the arms of God.
So let the storm clouds rage high,
The dark clouds rise,
They don't bother me;
For I'm sheltered in the arms of God.
He walks with me,
And naught of earth shall harm me,
For I'm sheltered in the arms of God.
Soon I shall hear the call from heaven's portals
Come home my child,
It's the last mile you must trod
I'll fall asleep
And wake in God's sweet heaven
For I'm sheltered in the arms of God.
So let the storm clouds rage high,
The dark clouds rise,
They don't bother me;
For I'm sheltered in the arms of God.
He walks with me,
And naught of earth shall harm me,
For I'm sheltered in the arms of God.
Last week felt a bit of a turning point. I can't say I felt His touch, but I felt the hope that I could feel His touch. O haste the day when I can feel like myself! O haste the day when I don't feel so alone.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Tears. Ad Rem. Or Should It Be Ad Nauseum.
I have so many to cry tonight.
I long to empty my gut wrenching tears and be done.
I want to be me. I miss me.
How many times have I told people near me in the last couple years that I miss me.
Some have laughed.
Some have rolled their eyes.
Most have not gotten the point.
But today I realized why.
As I recounted the agony of bringing my firstborn into the world, I could nearly feel the pain again.
It went on for so long.
I thought I would never be the same.
Lo and behold, I am not.
When the story came to an end, she said something that rang very true to my heart.
She spoke to the loss that happened. At a time when I expected to just live and be and enjoy the moment, I was dealing with loss that really felt like death.
I have felt that loss in every area of my life sans one.
My intimate friendships have taken huge hits.
My just-learning-to-know-you friendships have been so limited.
Worst of all, my spiritual faith seemed to take a huge hit. First I was too sick to think and felt carried along. Then when I felt like my faith was getting back up and figuring out how to brush off the debris, the bottom fell out of my world.
The only place I have not felt like crumbled was my marriage. I can't say that I have felt loss there, per se. Yet, there have been many times and places that we have longed to do and be more but could not.
So back to the tears.
Tonight I just want to mourn the fact that I did lose me.
I really have reason to feel like I miss me.
I am not the same person I used to be.
Who gave whom the permission to change it all up?
I long to empty my gut wrenching tears and be done.
I want to be me. I miss me.
How many times have I told people near me in the last couple years that I miss me.
Some have laughed.
Some have rolled their eyes.
Most have not gotten the point.
But today I realized why.
As I recounted the agony of bringing my firstborn into the world, I could nearly feel the pain again.
It went on for so long.
I thought I would never be the same.
Lo and behold, I am not.
When the story came to an end, she said something that rang very true to my heart.
She spoke to the loss that happened. At a time when I expected to just live and be and enjoy the moment, I was dealing with loss that really felt like death.
I have felt that loss in every area of my life sans one.
My intimate friendships have taken huge hits.
My just-learning-to-know-you friendships have been so limited.
Worst of all, my spiritual faith seemed to take a huge hit. First I was too sick to think and felt carried along. Then when I felt like my faith was getting back up and figuring out how to brush off the debris, the bottom fell out of my world.
The only place I have not felt like crumbled was my marriage. I can't say that I have felt loss there, per se. Yet, there have been many times and places that we have longed to do and be more but could not.
So back to the tears.
Tonight I just want to mourn the fact that I did lose me.
I really have reason to feel like I miss me.
I am not the same person I used to be.
Who gave whom the permission to change it all up?
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Grief... on a Ramble
She said "I think it is grief."
I was shocked. and a bit sad. and a tiny bit relieved. At least someone has a handle on my issues.
I have been through so much grief in me life. I don't want to go down the road of healing from deep grief. The tears. The rage. The utter exhaustion. The denial. The depression. The acceptance.
But how is all of that any different than I have been? I have been through each of those stages at least once in the last year. So why do I fear the journey?
Why am I so sure that the tears will drown me?
In other news...
There is an exercise known to help brains process trauma and go on to healing. I understand it. It is not mumbo-jumbo woowoo stuff. It is real. It makes sense. (I, once again, owe so much to Sis. Mary for all she taught me.) I cringe at the thought of going through with it. Why? Because I fear the pain I may feel.
Keep moving people. Nothing new to see here...
I was shocked. and a bit sad. and a tiny bit relieved. At least someone has a handle on my issues.
I have been through so much grief in me life. I don't want to go down the road of healing from deep grief. The tears. The rage. The utter exhaustion. The denial. The depression. The acceptance.
But how is all of that any different than I have been? I have been through each of those stages at least once in the last year. So why do I fear the journey?
Why am I so sure that the tears will drown me?
********************************************************
In other news...
There is an exercise known to help brains process trauma and go on to healing. I understand it. It is not mumbo-jumbo woowoo stuff. It is real. It makes sense. (I, once again, owe so much to Sis. Mary for all she taught me.) I cringe at the thought of going through with it. Why? Because I fear the pain I may feel.
Keep moving people. Nothing new to see here...
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