4 weeks Remain

I feel so sad today.
And guilty.
To speak of it rationally makes no sense to be guilty, but I feel it anyway.

I am so AWARE that I'm not pregnant with Hannah.
I find myself looking at the calender and wondering how long it will be.
I catch myself "planning" the next month around this empty hole.
And then realize that there is nothing to plan around.
Am I the only one losing her mind doing such stuff?
Yvonne (no one here) tells me probably not.
Yet, I feel so crazy I hardly open up and ask.

I think about my baby so often.
She comes up unbidden in my every day stuff.
And then I feel guilty.
Guilty bc she is not with me.
Guilty bc I was so selfish.
Guilty for reasons I can't even put words to.
I try so hard to remind my humanity-riddled self that I have nothing to feel guilty about and it is a lie of the devil.
Yet, I still struggle.
I pray and pray.
And yet don't even know how.

What if I had EMBRACED the fact I knew I was pregnant.
What if I had CLAIMED this child that grew within me?
What if?
We asked God to do what was best for us.
It was so. painful.
So. hard.
What if he chose to give another child?
We have been through the journey of a very surprise-ridden pregnancy and it is not the end of the world.
But it was hard!
What if He chose to take that Little Life back to Him?
Would it be any easier, I wondered?

Reduction

I am off. I had such! dry mouth on Tuesday that I decided to just not take any Zoloft on Wednesday. I have been just fine.

I can't tell you how much better I feel. (Not because I am off Zoloft but because my head is... well.) I literally feel taller. I feel lighter and thinner. I assure you the couple pounds around my middle made very very little differenc in my actually weight and percieved thickness.

Feel very sorry for my children. They are quite unsure what to make of this new Mama. She says something and means it. She enforces it and does not fight blowing her top. She is calm and sure in what she says and does.

I feel invincible. I think I could do anything at all. I am totally unsure where to start. There are so many areas of my life that are behind and lagging from brain power-absence. In the last 3 days I have thoroughly cleaned my room, and Bathroom, the living room - with the exception of fixing the curtains, the kitchen has been dug into, swept multiple times, moppped and made neat. Now if you think all that is no big deal, then just think so. But I can tell you that I have not been able to work like that AND care for the boys AND keep my head calm for a long loong LONG time.

I can't tell you how free I feel. I stand in AWE. Let it be perfectly clear that this entire journey to health has been from God. He gets the praise for anythin good!!! I stand in AWE.

Health Matters

I had been searching. For a way to help my body. I tried a couple things but it was just not quite right. Through a conversation and more pondering I decided to look into a colon cleanse. (If you want to stop reading here you may. But I promise you will miss something good.) I found one I instinctively knew would be good. Blessedherbs.com. Look them up. Very nice. Getting ahead of myself...

I talked to Mike. I let it rest. I came back and searched some more. I unintentionally left the window open at blessedherbs. Mike came to see what he could see. He saw blessedherbs. He thought it seemed good. We talked. I let it rest. he asked if I thought it would do him any good. WHAT!!?!?!???! Are you kidding me? Of course!

We ordered. I have been making fresh raw organic apple juice every day for about 10 days.

This morning I woke up feeling different. Ina good way, but kind of odd. I pondered it all morning. I thought about it while I had a broken molar repaired. I came home to take my next "dose" and realized a few things.
1. I am done.
2. the terrible abandonment issues I had on Sat were real. And residual.
3. I did not finish the whole program as it came but I am through.
4. I need to decrease my meds.

WHAT???!??? Yes, I started having dry mouth issues this morning. It has gotten worse all day. That was my clue last time that I should change. I am going to try it again.
Saturday was the school picnic. I was in a funk. I was struggling with my weight. I was stressed about clothes. I was terrified to be left alone. We were standing in line to eat. The end of the line. No one really to talk to. Mike walked 15feet to the grills and I nearly lost it. I felt like he had gone 1500mi. All day I had anxiety and abandonment issues but not really in relation to anything specific. I felt like maybe I was going down hill fast. I was perplexed as to what was up with all of this.
I have not finished the program, however!, I have been doing juicing and stuff that has previously done some serious cleansing work physically.

Right now I feel really good. My head feels different. I don't know how to describe it... Dare I say it? I almost feel like I may be well. I feel as if I have not a care in the world. I feel as if everything is fine. I feel as if I could quit my meds altogether. I feel if my weight were gone I might actually be me.

We shall see how the med reduction works out. I promise I am completely in touch with reality.

DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW HUGE THIS IS???

Hiding

I worry about me sometimes.
Today is one of those days.
My blonde angels
better known as boys
are playing so sweetly.
They have new kittens in the garage.
Me? I am hiding.
I am afraid to engage.
One day I fear I will pay for my distance.
But I just can't go.
I want to be alone.
Yet, not really.

Most of all, I must go.
Give to my boys.
My husband.
My sisters.
My family.
My life.

But I am hiding.

Babyless Mama

I have been on such a roller coaster.
I could not figure out why.
Then I was reminded of this tiny little thing they call
Post-Partum Depression.
Duh.
I am new mom.
No Baby.
No fun bump.
No heart beat.
In fact lots of people have no idea.
But a new mom nonetheless.

I took the EPDS test and scored 12.
Significantly up from my previous 7.
I also increase my meds a tiny bit.
(Yes, I have Dr's permission to self-adjust.)

It continues to amaze me how much better I feel on such a tiny bit.
Health nut as I am, I am forever grateful to Western medicine for Zoloft.
It saved my life.

AfterShock

Clearing my head last Saturday really was so helpful.
I could breathe.
My brain could breathe.

But it has been hard too.
It opened up space to look at more grief.
And even when I am not *looking* at grief,
It is all around me.

My sister is cooking and singing.
I don't want to squash her
Or even the feelings it all evokes.
Think I'll go clean my bathroom.

Some place where my tears can be unhindered.

I am so emotional these days.
There are so many pains that threaten to undo me.
The smallest blip and I'm tearing up again.

I try to be thankful for the tears.
I have not always been able to cry.
It is bondage to have all that saltwater dammed up, rotting in your soul.

Saltwater.
Yesterday I spent plenty of time in saltwater.
Ocean water.
It was cold.
I was warm.
It was breezy.
I was calm.

I felt as if I had finally found a refuge.
If even for just an hour.
I tried to find my voice.
To talk with the Master Of The Wave.
To really let all the tumbled, jumbled thoughts out.
To not worry about anyone needing anything.
To not have a time slot whose bounds dared not be overstepped.

In the spirit of Calypso's mama, I took to writing in the sand.
To be able to honestly put in letters what was weighing me down
The hardest part.
Then to let a wave wash it away.
I have given it to Him.
I must leave it there.

False starts.
Incomplete words.
Watching the waves.
Rehydrating in the chilly water.
Feeling pulled to be real by the Light of the Son.
Wrapped in warmth by rays of sun.

I am grieved beyond words as this new day dawns.
If I really am going to leave those pains
washed away in the great Pacific
as a picture for my own reminding,
Then I must lay it down again. Today.

I may have lost.
I have also loved.
I am not lost.
I am loved.
I must claim that.
Keep it in perspective.

In my time of searching I had to know that I would not be washed away.
I found others to remember.
Babies held by the Father rather than their mama.
Some have names.
Some are just fleeting memories.
All are loved, wanted and missed.

There were some struggles that I photographed.
Some were just too hard.
But nonetheless I gave them to Him.
The pain.
The confusion.
The struggle.
There is no solution for most of them.
It is just a matter of trust.
Believing He will hold me through the storm.

I have such a hard time with that just now.
I feel so alone.
Yet some days I catch glimpses that I am not.
I try so hard to hang on to those moments.
And yet to not let them become god.