Gut Wrenching

I can't describe to you how this song makes me feel.

For so long I had to live on a memory of why I thought I liked God.
And yet, when my head clears and my body functions, I remember.

I remember, but I struggle.
I need lots of input.
I need lots of reminders.
I need lots of reasons.

For so long, I felt guilty about not feeling Him.

Then I remember the moment in that horrible place when out of my groaning came the reply from my heart,
"This is how Jesus felt on the cross."
And I wonder why anyone gets to feel so dark and alone, so utterly desolate.

It's all very gut wrenching.

But it's my life.

And now for more groaning that cannot be well uttered...