Vulnerable

I feel like I may be easily triggered today.
I slept fairly well. Even though BabyBoyBlue was up at 2:00.
I am a bit tired.
I have a sore back.
I want to cry.
I feel vulnerable.

I hope that does not get in the way today.
I have to spend a large portion of the day in a new Dr office.
With my sister.

I don't understand why I feel so edgy about it all but I do.
Hopefully I can go to the CBAC meeting too.
Guest speaker on how to integrate difficult/disappointing births.
God knows I need that.

Truth

I wish I could be honest even with my close friends about how I feel.
I wish I could describe to them the terror, fright, anxiety.
I wish I could have them feel the blood pressure and pulse surge to the point of choking.
I wish I could just find the words to tell the truth of my pain. Pain both emotional and physical.

The contractions that beat me apart.
The pushing that bruised me so.
The incision that scarred me forever.
The wound that pulls and pains.
The part of my brain I am missing. Never to find again.
The sprain in my stomach.
The pulse in my cervix.
The headaches. O the headaches.
My complete inabilty to sit up in bed for months.
The tears that never stop.

And the hatred that wells up in me when they say it is no big deal.
It maes me so so so angry.
I want to punch something.
Preferably them.
Punch the daylights out of them. When they come to I want to hear the truth about how they feel.
I have no doubt that burried under all that "epis are great" and "c-sections are no big deal" facade, I would find pain and sorrow. A bit of remorse. And wonder at what could have been...

Hannah

...for the Lord hath heard my cry.

Birthday

Today is my birthday.
I have been hounding my family for weeks about the fact that I have a birthday.
List of gift ideas on the fridge...
All price ranges included...
Random count downs...
It is my birthday.

Today is not just my birthday, though.
It is also my baby's.
3 years ago this week, I "delivered" a baby for the first time.
Straight into the Hands of Jesus.
A baby I am certain was a girl.
I named her Helen.

But today is not just her Birthday, either.
Today I am "delivering" another baby.
Straight into the Hands of Jesus.
I am certain, again, that it is a girl.
I have yet to choose a name for her.

Shame and Books

I don't know how to rise above the shame.
I felt so chided for not having read the book.
I want to read.
I want to understand and retain what I read.
I want to not have a constant headache from trying to read.
But I am not there yet.


But why do I feel so ashamed for not having read that book?
Yes, we agreed to read and discuss it.
But I told them from the get-go that I don't read very well yet and I would try.
I would try but could promise nothing more.


I felt like a small schoolgirl who willfully skipped her homework.
I felt about 2.75 inches tall.
I am sure she would declare she never meant any such harm by her off-hand chiding.
But once again, she does not believe me.
Nor did anyone else inquire more about the reading or not reading.
I felt very alone.
And my ALERT button had been pushed.


But now, days later, I still feel shame.
I feel ashamed of being here because "if I can do this surely I can read ..."
I feel ashamed for browsing my favorite blogs.
I feel ashamed for paging through that magazine.
But what few people see in all those things is that the pictures are what draw me in.

And when I do read, I don't need to retain and comprehend the whole last chapter to follow through with the current one.
I don't even need to retain the last sentence most times.




And now, because I can't see much more than shapes on a page, I will trust spell check to catch my mistakes...

Tears At The End Of The Day

I am so tired.
I am so very tired.
I have been alone with the boys for 7 hours.
It went ok. Well, in fact.
But I am so tired.

But beyond today, I am so tired.
I have been working so hard.
Taking care of me.
Taking care of my boys.
Taking care of my sister.
And I am so tired.
Will it ever end?
Will it?

I want so badly to lose weight.
I am so weary of carrying all this.
But it is so much work.
I am just too tired to try working on that yet too.
I want so badly to be my skinny self. I want so badly to be halfway to my skinny self.
But it is so much work.
I don't have room in my brain to work on that yet too.

Will it ever end?

Maybe

Maybe it will come.
Maybe I can see the Light again.
Maybe my brain will be whole.
Maybe I will be able to return to me.
One day. Some day. Soon.