Just Checking

So, I am thinking about a lot of things.
I may bring all my boggling here.
I may add another blog or maybe page for my art.
Don't get your hopes up.
My art is therapy, not Picasso.

What I really need to know is:
Who is reading this blog?
Will you please comment/email/text/pm and let me know?

Thank you.

O Joy

I am living high!!
I went to an ICAN meeting tonight.
I listened to many things.
And they all made me smile.

The only time I had any twinge of anxiety was quite legit.

I will make it!
I am okay!
I am scarred but...
Dare I say whole?

I will never be who I once was.
I will never have the story I always dreamed of.
I will always have scars.
They will always be there.
But they won't always hurt so badly the rest of life is foggy.

I am happy beyond words.
Happy.
Happy.
Happy.

Hurricane Hormone

Has been up graded to a Superstorm.
Stand by for orders.

Bwahahaha.

That was my fancy text of the day.
Sadly, I meant it.

After last weeks blighted ovum, I am a wreck.
I am hoping, hoping, hoping that I really do ovulate today.
Then I can get on with life.
I hope.

In other news, My boys were both insistent yesterday that God is giving us a baby sister.
We shall see.

More Business of Being Born

I started watching it today.
I didn't know what to expect.
I should have known.

I want to cry.
I want to give birth.
I really want to hunker down and go to sleep.

I have not been feeling real well.
This storm of emotion and struggle really brings out my need for sleep.
But more than needing sleep,
I long to be nurtured.
I long to be supported.
Moments ago I realized I need a post-partum doula.

I have just been "off" since my Serenity loss.
Now in the last cycle I think I had a blighted ovum.
I am so ragingly hormonal.
Puberty might be easier.

I have done the best I could today.
I finally packed up my boys and went for a drive.
When I stopped at the neighbors and talked to several friends, I just wanted to tell SOMEONE how I felt. How dry.
How sad.
How longing.
How tired.
How panicky this rain makes me.

Instead, we chatted about cider and apples and how I can't can.
Totally made me feel better.
(I also own oceanfront property in Arizona.)

Today is almost over.
Then I can start over.
I pray I will be born a better mama tomorrow.
I pray to be born

More Tears

My life long struggle is "will I ever quit crying?".
I struggle to accept tears.
I long to take them at face value and just let them go.
I fight to keep them in check.
WHY?

I really don't know.
Some days I wish I did.
Some days I just ignore it.

This last week has been incredibly teary.
I blame hormones.
I blame Jackson*.
I blame life experiences.

But I must stop blaming.
When I blame tears on things and people and stuff,
I am not cleansed by their exit.
When I am determined to figure out who, what and how,
I am not healed by their flow.

And so today I am going to cry.
Again.
And it will be okay.


*baby whose birth I attended...

The Business of Being Born

The truth is, it's not just babies that are born.
Mamas are born.
Papas are born.
Even Doulas are born.

In that one tiny moment I shall never forget, I was born.
Born as a care provider.
Born as an educator.
Born as a doula.

In that one enormously long second I shall never forget, I was changed.
Forever I am changed.
Forever my heart is different.
Forever .

I cannot find the words to tell you how much this whole process meant to me.
I will probably talk about it for a long time.
I hope you have the courage to stand by and listen.

New Territory*

I am in uncharted waters.
I have never been here before.
It is dark.
The water is rough.
The waves are choppy.

I wonder if I am going to sink or swim.
I wonder if I am on the right path.

Maybe this is a relapse.
Maybe this is just a hard day.
Maybe this is what real life is like.
I don't know. I've never been here before.

My mind is full of dark murmering.
Yet not fogged and o'ercome.
My head is full of questions unanswered.
Yet not blowing the top off.
My body is weary and tired.
Yet not sluggish to the point of no motion.

*found in drafts from a few weeks ago