Going Public

This is my first publish.
I call it one step to a book...
http://www.wellmamaoregon.com/birth-trauma-ptsd-recovery-story/

Wow. I am so scared who may read this.
That book is going to be hard but I think it's important.

Vulnerable

Putting ones self "out there" is scary business.
Putting ones heart on the webs is crazy stuff.
But putting that web in the hands of your friends is more scary.

I am on a mission to overcome some of that craziness.
Maybe it's my pride.
Maybe it's my ego.
Maybe it's been my way of hiding.

If I am ever going to help people through the abyss I have traveled,
If I am ever going to help people support others intelligibly,
If I am ever going to help anyone, I must share myself.

Dear Friends, Welcome to my quiet grey world.
Quiet, because the noise of earth really bothers me.
Grey, because the white on a page is hard to read past - I have a brain injury.
My world.

Gut Wrenching

I can't describe to you how this song makes me feel.

For so long I had to live on a memory of why I thought I liked God.
And yet, when my head clears and my body functions, I remember.

I remember, but I struggle.
I need lots of input.
I need lots of reminders.
I need lots of reasons.

For so long, I felt guilty about not feeling Him.

Then I remember the moment in that horrible place when out of my groaning came the reply from my heart,
"This is how Jesus felt on the cross."
And I wonder why anyone gets to feel so dark and alone, so utterly desolate.

It's all very gut wrenching.

But it's my life.

And now for more groaning that cannot be well uttered...

Triggers Revisited

5 months ago I attended an ICAN meeting.
I had been so fine.
I was pretty much anxiety free.

Until it was my turn to tell my story.

Woah!
The fear and the choking and the anxiety.
I did not see that coming.
I totally did not expect it.
In fact I may very well have not gone if I had thought it would come.

It took days to return to my new normal.

4 days ago I attended another meeting.
I knew full well it may be a bit scary.
My consolation was there was a guest speaker.
I really wanted to hear what she had to say because she is on my radar as a future midwife.
What a great way to learn a bit about someone, eh?

We got the end of teh meeting.
People started sahring.
Some asked questios.
Some realyed fears.
More just listned.

I had only one moment of pulse-quickening.
And that was pretty legit because she was telling something hard/sad that affected everyone.

Then my heart was pretty calm...
The most negavtive response I've had it typing that poorly spelled paragraph above.
I'm leaving it for posterity.

Just Checking

So, I am thinking about a lot of things.
I may bring all my boggling here.
I may add another blog or maybe page for my art.
Don't get your hopes up.
My art is therapy, not Picasso.

What I really need to know is:
Who is reading this blog?
Will you please comment/email/text/pm and let me know?

Thank you.

O Joy

I am living high!!
I went to an ICAN meeting tonight.
I listened to many things.
And they all made me smile.

The only time I had any twinge of anxiety was quite legit.

I will make it!
I am okay!
I am scarred but...
Dare I say whole?

I will never be who I once was.
I will never have the story I always dreamed of.
I will always have scars.
They will always be there.
But they won't always hurt so badly the rest of life is foggy.

I am happy beyond words.
Happy.
Happy.
Happy.

Hurricane Hormone

Has been up graded to a Superstorm.
Stand by for orders.

Bwahahaha.

That was my fancy text of the day.
Sadly, I meant it.

After last weeks blighted ovum, I am a wreck.
I am hoping, hoping, hoping that I really do ovulate today.
Then I can get on with life.
I hope.

In other news, My boys were both insistent yesterday that God is giving us a baby sister.
We shall see.