I miss you. I am laying here watching Biggest Loser and I am so sad. Angry even. I am so tired of being fat. So tired.
Sorry
It seems so unfair to you. To my boys. Most of all to us!
It's ok. It didn't happen because of stupid choices on your part. Its just are life and things are getting better.
I love you. Forever!
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Monday, March 7, 2011
I Don't Buy It
Don't beg my sympathy that you baby was born C/section if..
...You never tried waiting.
...You never tried labor.
...You never tried.
(Unless of course you truly had a medical reason.)
FYI: not dropping at 38 weeks is not a medical reason.
...You never tried waiting.
...You never tried labor.
...You never tried.
(Unless of course you truly had a medical reason.)
FYI: not dropping at 38 weeks is not a medical reason.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Vulnerable
I feel like I may be easily triggered today.
I slept fairly well. Even though BabyBoyBlue was up at 2:00.
I am a bit tired.
I have a sore back.
I want to cry.
I feel vulnerable.
I hope that does not get in the way today.
I have to spend a large portion of the day in a new Dr office.
With my sister.
I don't understand why I feel so edgy about it all but I do.
Hopefully I can go to the CBAC meeting too.
Guest speaker on how to integrate difficult/disappointing births.
God knows I need that.
I slept fairly well. Even though BabyBoyBlue was up at 2:00.
I am a bit tired.
I have a sore back.
I want to cry.
I feel vulnerable.
I hope that does not get in the way today.
I have to spend a large portion of the day in a new Dr office.
With my sister.
I don't understand why I feel so edgy about it all but I do.
Hopefully I can go to the CBAC meeting too.
Guest speaker on how to integrate difficult/disappointing births.
God knows I need that.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Truth
I wish I could be honest even with my close friends about how I feel.
I wish I could describe to them the terror, fright, anxiety.
I wish I could have them feel the blood pressure and pulse surge to the point of choking.
I wish I could just find the words to tell the truth of my pain. Pain both emotional and physical.
The contractions that beat me apart.
The pushing that bruised me so.
The incision that scarred me forever.
The wound that pulls and pains.
The part of my brain I am missing. Never to find again.
The sprain in my stomach.
The pulse in my cervix.
The headaches. O the headaches.
My complete inabilty to sit up in bed for months.
The tears that never stop.
And the hatred that wells up in me when they say it is no big deal.
It maes me so so so angry.
I want to punch something.
Preferably them.
Punch the daylights out of them. When they come to I want to hear the truth about how they feel.
I have no doubt that burried under all that "epis are great" and "c-sections are no big deal" facade, I would find pain and sorrow. A bit of remorse. And wonder at what could have been...
I wish I could describe to them the terror, fright, anxiety.
I wish I could have them feel the blood pressure and pulse surge to the point of choking.
I wish I could just find the words to tell the truth of my pain. Pain both emotional and physical.
The contractions that beat me apart.
The pushing that bruised me so.
The incision that scarred me forever.
The wound that pulls and pains.
The part of my brain I am missing. Never to find again.
The sprain in my stomach.
The pulse in my cervix.
The headaches. O the headaches.
My complete inabilty to sit up in bed for months.
The tears that never stop.
And the hatred that wells up in me when they say it is no big deal.
It maes me so so so angry.
I want to punch something.
Preferably them.
Punch the daylights out of them. When they come to I want to hear the truth about how they feel.
I have no doubt that burried under all that "epis are great" and "c-sections are no big deal" facade, I would find pain and sorrow. A bit of remorse. And wonder at what could have been...
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Birthday
Today is my birthday.
I have been hounding my family for weeks about the fact that I have a birthday.
List of gift ideas on the fridge...
All price ranges included...
Random count downs...
It is my birthday.
Today is not just my birthday, though.
It is also my baby's.
3 years ago this week, I "delivered" a baby for the first time.
Straight into the Hands of Jesus.
A baby I am certain was a girl.
I named her Helen.
But today is not just her Birthday, either.
Today I am "delivering" another baby.
Straight into the Hands of Jesus.
I am certain, again, that it is a girl.
I have yet to choose a name for her.
I have been hounding my family for weeks about the fact that I have a birthday.
List of gift ideas on the fridge...
All price ranges included...
Random count downs...
It is my birthday.
Today is not just my birthday, though.
It is also my baby's.
3 years ago this week, I "delivered" a baby for the first time.
Straight into the Hands of Jesus.
A baby I am certain was a girl.
I named her Helen.
But today is not just her Birthday, either.
Today I am "delivering" another baby.
Straight into the Hands of Jesus.
I am certain, again, that it is a girl.
I have yet to choose a name for her.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Shame and Books
I don't know how to rise above the shame.
I felt so chided for not having read the book.
I want to read.
I want to understand and retain what I read.
I want to not have a constant headache from trying to read.
But I am not there yet.
But why do I feel so ashamed for not having read that book?
Yes, we agreed to read and discuss it.
But I told them from the get-go that I don't read very well yet and I would try.
I would try but could promise nothing more.
I felt like a small schoolgirl who willfully skipped her homework.
I felt about 2.75 inches tall.
I am sure she would declare she never meant any such harm by her off-hand chiding.
But once again, she does not believe me.
Nor did anyone else inquire more about the reading or not reading.
I felt very alone.
And my ALERT button had been pushed.
But now, days later, I still feel shame.
I feel ashamed of being here because "if I can do this surely I can read ..."
I feel ashamed for browsing my favorite blogs.
I feel ashamed for paging through that magazine.
But what few people see in all those things is that the pictures are what draw me in.
And when I do read, I don't need to retain and comprehend the whole last chapter to follow through with the current one.
I don't even need to retain the last sentence most times.
And now, because I can't see much more than shapes on a page, I will trust spell check to catch my mistakes...
I felt so chided for not having read the book.
I want to read.
I want to understand and retain what I read.
I want to not have a constant headache from trying to read.
But I am not there yet.
But why do I feel so ashamed for not having read that book?
Yes, we agreed to read and discuss it.
But I told them from the get-go that I don't read very well yet and I would try.
I would try but could promise nothing more.
I felt like a small schoolgirl who willfully skipped her homework.
I felt about 2.75 inches tall.
I am sure she would declare she never meant any such harm by her off-hand chiding.
But once again, she does not believe me.
Nor did anyone else inquire more about the reading or not reading.
I felt very alone.
And my ALERT button had been pushed.
But now, days later, I still feel shame.
I feel ashamed of being here because "if I can do this surely I can read ..."
I feel ashamed for browsing my favorite blogs.
I feel ashamed for paging through that magazine.
But what few people see in all those things is that the pictures are what draw me in.
And when I do read, I don't need to retain and comprehend the whole last chapter to follow through with the current one.
I don't even need to retain the last sentence most times.
And now, because I can't see much more than shapes on a page, I will trust spell check to catch my mistakes...
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