All Things New

When you have been through deep grief, joy looks different.
When you have traveled long, dusty roads, rain has a strange scent.
When you have seen the Light, life takes on a new hue.

A Season Of Hope

So much of what I write here is sad. Sometimes it is in the moment. Sometimes I just have to get it out of my head.

But my life is not all weary and worn. There are fabuluosities on the horizon. I am excited. Only God knows how they will play out.

Silent Loss

Miscarriages are violent creatures.

First, you find out you are pregnant.
Maybe you wanted this little one. Maybe you prayed long and hard for her conception.
Maybe this is a shocking surprise, but you are thrilled nonetheless.
Maybe this is so shocking, it is almost sad and you are completely filled with great trepidation.

Second, you wrap your head around it.
Or at least try.
Amount of time this takes varies greatly from one experience to the next.

Third, you begin to bleed.
And you feel as if all hell had broken loose in your heart.
Maybe you are devastated. You hoped for so long.
Maybe you are sad, but not surprised.
Maybe you are relieved and beating yourself up for feeling it.

Fourth, you carry on.
No one sees the sad day your heart is crushed.
No one sees that you are dying inside.
No one sees the moment you can't forgive yourself.

So you choose to talk about it.
I chose to talk about it.
I found so much support and compassion.
I have had miscarriages that looked like all three^^ scenarios.
I still found huge support.

But then one day, it is  enough.
My baby went to Heaven months ago.
No one really remembers.
But my heart is still crushed.

And instead of carrying on as if nothing is wrong, my hair is still falling out.
My breasts still tingle and think about making milk.
My mood is a bit vulnerable.
My cycle is a touch topsy-turvy.
And all shall remain so till I reach close proximity for April 19.

See, no one wants to know all th^se things.
But I face them every day.
I just hope I still have *some* hair left when April rolls around.
If I really end up with milk, I will pump it for a friend.

But what I really want... is more children.

Today Is The Day

I finally decided to let my old blog go.
I always feel stilted over there.
I know it is just in my head.
But stilted, nonetheless.

So today I put out an invitation to come over to here. Scares me. But it is done.

Welcome to all who may choose to join me here. We are old friends and they are the best anyway.

Welcome!

So today my audience - limited though they be -

Broke my record. 

Congratulations.

I hope it is someone I know and love and we can chat later. :)

If you are a troll from my friends.

Please go away. Amen.

Anywho... 

Pray... and Get In The Word aka Forgiveness

Tonight I was browsing Facebook.
One RealFood and NaturallyHealthy page posted a question.
"Someone has anxiety and wants to know how to help it. She's taken meds but would like to try natural."

Several people had good suggestions.
Three people in a row suggested she spend more time praying and getting in the Word.

I popped a gasket.

Really? That's all you have?

PEOPLE, let me tell you something...
When you have anxiety and meds helped, it is not a spiritual problem.
When you have anxiety that is not a spiritual problem, reading *can* be a huge chore.
When reading is a huge chore and that's the only answer you get?
Crash and burn and wish you could die are the only places lower.

I cannot tell you how pained I have been about this kind of response. Some of the people I expected to be supportive and kind and helpful, just thought I should go for a walk everyday. People who had been through HARD things in life, I expected might understand and be empathetic at least. Yet, they seemed clueless and worse, almost hardhearted. No compassion.

I have been faced recently with forgiving again. Many were the days when I cried bc of insensitive remarks and pushy suggestions along the lines of "Get over it". If that were possible, discussion would never have happened and the need would not have been...
But there was a need.  deep hard need. And a good walk everyday would not fix it.

Nor would praying and getting in the Word.
Remember my post about being autistic?
I could not read during that time.
The letters swam on the page.
More than swimming, they were not letters.
They were shapes.
Black on White.
Swirls on RoughGrain.

And all most people had to offer was take a walk and read your Bible.

And I am faced with forgiveness.
Again...

The Day I Realized I Was Autistic

I was sitting in church.
I was watching Jordan stim.
Rocking and fluttering his hands.
And I knew.

I had known my brain was not working right.
I had known my body was confused.
I had known that I needed help.

I knew what my head felt like.
I knew it would feel better if I did just what he was doing.
In fact, I was glad I had a baby on my lap.
That way I would not do something "foolish".*
I also realized I was rocking slightly...
As an empathetic response?

That day I knew I was autistic.
And I did not tell anyone.
For fear they would ...
lock me away? no.
commit me? possibly.
I don't really know what I feared, but I was scared to tell anyone.

In weeks and months to come I...
overcame?
grew out of?
healed?
And it was gone.

Last week I told someone for the first time that I was once Autistic.
It was freeing.
It was scary.
It is passed.


*I do not view stimming as foolish...