The Day I Realized I Was Autistic

I was sitting in church.
I was watching Jordan stim.
Rocking and fluttering his hands.
And I knew.

I had known my brain was not working right.
I had known my body was confused.
I had known that I needed help.

I knew what my head felt like.
I knew it would feel better if I did just what he was doing.
In fact, I was glad I had a baby on my lap.
That way I would not do something "foolish".*
I also realized I was rocking slightly...
As an empathetic response?

That day I knew I was autistic.
And I did not tell anyone.
For fear they would ...
lock me away? no.
commit me? possibly.
I don't really know what I feared, but I was scared to tell anyone.

In weeks and months to come I...
overcame?
grew out of?
healed?
And it was gone.

Last week I told someone for the first time that I was once Autistic.
It was freeing.
It was scary.
It is passed.


*I do not view stimming as foolish...