The Business of Being Born

The truth is, it's not just babies that are born.
Mamas are born.
Papas are born.
Even Doulas are born.

In that one tiny moment I shall never forget, I was born.
Born as a care provider.
Born as an educator.
Born as a doula.

In that one enormously long second I shall never forget, I was changed.
Forever I am changed.
Forever my heart is different.
Forever .

I cannot find the words to tell you how much this whole process meant to me.
I will probably talk about it for a long time.
I hope you have the courage to stand by and listen.

New Territory*

I am in uncharted waters.
I have never been here before.
It is dark.
The water is rough.
The waves are choppy.

I wonder if I am going to sink or swim.
I wonder if I am on the right path.

Maybe this is a relapse.
Maybe this is just a hard day.
Maybe this is what real life is like.
I don't know. I've never been here before.

My mind is full of dark murmering.
Yet not fogged and o'ercome.
My head is full of questions unanswered.
Yet not blowing the top off.
My body is weary and tired.
Yet not sluggish to the point of no motion.

*found in drafts from a few weeks ago

Day of Hope

CarlyMarieProjectHeal.
She does some amazing work.
Today she has banded her BabyLoss Sisters.
For "Day of Hope".

Hope for Healing.
Hope for Grace.
Hope for Love.
Hope for more.
Hope to go on.

And I wait.
On my BabyofHope.
I had hoped...
so still and quiet.
Hoped.

But 'tis Hope deferred.
And I wait.

Waiting... again

So long I've been gone.
 It's all been good.
So much healing.
Physically.
Mentally.
Emotionally.
Even spiritually.

It's all coming along, slow but sure.
 And today, the waiting begins again.
There was a tiny life and now it is gone.
All along I've felt so strongly that
"God's got this".

 I rest in the knowing.
I long to be rested.

CouldaWouldaShoulda

Today is a hard day.
 I can hardly bear to admit it.
I have no solid idea what I need or want form today.
I just know that I can't stop crying.

So many things I wish I could undo.
So many things I wish I could redo.
So many things I wish I could just do.

 I felt it coming yesterday.
So many memories.
so many fears.
 So many tears.

I thought I'd be ok.
 I guess I am, it just doesn't look the same as expected.
 I'm not sure how to clear my head.
 I've not had problems with this day before.
Maybe that's good.
Maybe that is just a sign of how much more I need to pay attention.

 Coulda done better.
Woulda done better.
Shoulda done...

 But I did the best I could every moment of the way.
Maybe it did turn out best.
That's so hard to know.
 So hard to understand.

 What I do know is:
It's done.
 I can't undo it.
I did my best.
Most the pain is gone except what lives in my heart.
 Maybe one day that will be different too.

Questions

I look around and wonder.
How my mind would feel right now.
How my body would be changed.
How my days would play out.

I look around and wonder.
Why does no one talk about this.
Why does everyone ignore it.
Why does it feel so alone.

I look around and wonder.
How many mama's feel the same.
How many babies are not here.
How many times they are missed.

I look around and wonder.
If I'll ever understand.
If I'll ever be here again.
If I'll ever forget.

Why does no one talk about the babies that they lose.
Why do people think I'm crazy for remembering that my body is no crib just now.
What should I expect this week?
I so understand why so many choose to try having a baby fairly soon.
It would be o so much easier if I had another in utero.
But alas, I don't.
And I wonder.

4 weeks Remain

I feel so sad today.
And guilty.
To speak of it rationally makes no sense to be guilty, but I feel it anyway.

I am so AWARE that I'm not pregnant with Hannah.
I find myself looking at the calender and wondering how long it will be.
I catch myself "planning" the next month around this empty hole.
And then realize that there is nothing to plan around.
Am I the only one losing her mind doing such stuff?
Yvonne (no one here) tells me probably not.
Yet, I feel so crazy I hardly open up and ask.

I think about my baby so often.
She comes up unbidden in my every day stuff.
And then I feel guilty.
Guilty bc she is not with me.
Guilty bc I was so selfish.
Guilty for reasons I can't even put words to.
I try so hard to remind my humanity-riddled self that I have nothing to feel guilty about and it is a lie of the devil.
Yet, I still struggle.
I pray and pray.
And yet don't even know how.

What if I had EMBRACED the fact I knew I was pregnant.
What if I had CLAIMED this child that grew within me?
What if?
We asked God to do what was best for us.
It was so. painful.
So. hard.
What if he chose to give another child?
We have been through the journey of a very surprise-ridden pregnancy and it is not the end of the world.
But it was hard!
What if He chose to take that Little Life back to Him?
Would it be any easier, I wondered?