More Business of Being Born

I started watching it today.
I didn't know what to expect.
I should have known.

I want to cry.
I want to give birth.
I really want to hunker down and go to sleep.

I have not been feeling real well.
This storm of emotion and struggle really brings out my need for sleep.
But more than needing sleep,
I long to be nurtured.
I long to be supported.
Moments ago I realized I need a post-partum doula.

I have just been "off" since my Serenity loss.
Now in the last cycle I think I had a blighted ovum.
I am so ragingly hormonal.
Puberty might be easier.

I have done the best I could today.
I finally packed up my boys and went for a drive.
When I stopped at the neighbors and talked to several friends, I just wanted to tell SOMEONE how I felt. How dry.
How sad.
How longing.
How tired.
How panicky this rain makes me.

Instead, we chatted about cider and apples and how I can't can.
Totally made me feel better.
(I also own oceanfront property in Arizona.)

Today is almost over.
Then I can start over.
I pray I will be born a better mama tomorrow.
I pray to be born

More Tears

My life long struggle is "will I ever quit crying?".
I struggle to accept tears.
I long to take them at face value and just let them go.
I fight to keep them in check.
WHY?

I really don't know.
Some days I wish I did.
Some days I just ignore it.

This last week has been incredibly teary.
I blame hormones.
I blame Jackson*.
I blame life experiences.

But I must stop blaming.
When I blame tears on things and people and stuff,
I am not cleansed by their exit.
When I am determined to figure out who, what and how,
I am not healed by their flow.

And so today I am going to cry.
Again.
And it will be okay.


*baby whose birth I attended...

The Business of Being Born

The truth is, it's not just babies that are born.
Mamas are born.
Papas are born.
Even Doulas are born.

In that one tiny moment I shall never forget, I was born.
Born as a care provider.
Born as an educator.
Born as a doula.

In that one enormously long second I shall never forget, I was changed.
Forever I am changed.
Forever my heart is different.
Forever .

I cannot find the words to tell you how much this whole process meant to me.
I will probably talk about it for a long time.
I hope you have the courage to stand by and listen.

New Territory*

I am in uncharted waters.
I have never been here before.
It is dark.
The water is rough.
The waves are choppy.

I wonder if I am going to sink or swim.
I wonder if I am on the right path.

Maybe this is a relapse.
Maybe this is just a hard day.
Maybe this is what real life is like.
I don't know. I've never been here before.

My mind is full of dark murmering.
Yet not fogged and o'ercome.
My head is full of questions unanswered.
Yet not blowing the top off.
My body is weary and tired.
Yet not sluggish to the point of no motion.

*found in drafts from a few weeks ago

Day of Hope

CarlyMarieProjectHeal.
She does some amazing work.
Today she has banded her BabyLoss Sisters.
For "Day of Hope".

Hope for Healing.
Hope for Grace.
Hope for Love.
Hope for more.
Hope to go on.

And I wait.
On my BabyofHope.
I had hoped...
so still and quiet.
Hoped.

But 'tis Hope deferred.
And I wait.

Waiting... again

So long I've been gone.
 It's all been good.
So much healing.
Physically.
Mentally.
Emotionally.
Even spiritually.

It's all coming along, slow but sure.
 And today, the waiting begins again.
There was a tiny life and now it is gone.
All along I've felt so strongly that
"God's got this".

 I rest in the knowing.
I long to be rested.

CouldaWouldaShoulda

Today is a hard day.
 I can hardly bear to admit it.
I have no solid idea what I need or want form today.
I just know that I can't stop crying.

So many things I wish I could undo.
So many things I wish I could redo.
So many things I wish I could just do.

 I felt it coming yesterday.
So many memories.
so many fears.
 So many tears.

I thought I'd be ok.
 I guess I am, it just doesn't look the same as expected.
 I'm not sure how to clear my head.
 I've not had problems with this day before.
Maybe that's good.
Maybe that is just a sign of how much more I need to pay attention.

 Coulda done better.
Woulda done better.
Shoulda done...

 But I did the best I could every moment of the way.
Maybe it did turn out best.
That's so hard to know.
 So hard to understand.

 What I do know is:
It's done.
 I can't undo it.
I did my best.
Most the pain is gone except what lives in my heart.
 Maybe one day that will be different too.