Pray... and Get In The Word aka Forgiveness

Tonight I was browsing Facebook.
One RealFood and NaturallyHealthy page posted a question.
"Someone has anxiety and wants to know how to help it. She's taken meds but would like to try natural."

Several people had good suggestions.
Three people in a row suggested she spend more time praying and getting in the Word.

I popped a gasket.

Really? That's all you have?

PEOPLE, let me tell you something...
When you have anxiety and meds helped, it is not a spiritual problem.
When you have anxiety that is not a spiritual problem, reading *can* be a huge chore.
When reading is a huge chore and that's the only answer you get?
Crash and burn and wish you could die are the only places lower.

I cannot tell you how pained I have been about this kind of response. Some of the people I expected to be supportive and kind and helpful, just thought I should go for a walk everyday. People who had been through HARD things in life, I expected might understand and be empathetic at least. Yet, they seemed clueless and worse, almost hardhearted. No compassion.

I have been faced recently with forgiving again. Many were the days when I cried bc of insensitive remarks and pushy suggestions along the lines of "Get over it". If that were possible, discussion would never have happened and the need would not have been...
But there was a need.  deep hard need. And a good walk everyday would not fix it.

Nor would praying and getting in the Word.
Remember my post about being autistic?
I could not read during that time.
The letters swam on the page.
More than swimming, they were not letters.
They were shapes.
Black on White.
Swirls on RoughGrain.

And all most people had to offer was take a walk and read your Bible.

And I am faced with forgiveness.
Again...

The Day I Realized I Was Autistic

I was sitting in church.
I was watching Jordan stim.
Rocking and fluttering his hands.
And I knew.

I had known my brain was not working right.
I had known my body was confused.
I had known that I needed help.

I knew what my head felt like.
I knew it would feel better if I did just what he was doing.
In fact, I was glad I had a baby on my lap.
That way I would not do something "foolish".*
I also realized I was rocking slightly...
As an empathetic response?

That day I knew I was autistic.
And I did not tell anyone.
For fear they would ...
lock me away? no.
commit me? possibly.
I don't really know what I feared, but I was scared to tell anyone.

In weeks and months to come I...
overcame?
grew out of?
healed?
And it was gone.

Last week I told someone for the first time that I was once Autistic.
It was freeing.
It was scary.
It is passed.


*I do not view stimming as foolish...

Merry Christmas!

No Resolution

To some things, there are no answers.
This is one of those things.

If I am to get moving,
I must be ok with that.

I am certain I will visit here again,
But I must - again - lay it down.

I am Sad, turning right on GonnaHideInMyRoom, in the middle of Anxiety Junction.
I've made Peace with being here.
Only for a little while, but peace nonetheless.

I Need A GPS

I am lost.
Or maybe I a stuck.
I think I am lost and stuck.
At the corner of Mad and Sad.
Anxiety Junction.
Between WannaBeatYouUp and GonnaHideInMyRoom.

Tina asked me today what I do with the struggles I have faced (referencing other peoples stupidity specifically).
I don't know how to answer that.
I am stuck.
I faced so many odd situations that I simply had to put out of my head.
I found peace.
I had to.
Now I am facing lots of them again.

The child that challenges everything.
The lady that blew me off in my deepest time of need.
The people that...
The husband...
The...

I need a GPS.

Anxiety Triggers

And the battle rages on.
My story was posted yesterday on WellMama.
It is so very scary.
What will people think?
What will friends ask?
How will my community respond?

I am have been pretty anxious for a a few hours.
I thought I was fine.
Scared, but doing ok.

Then I went to church.
One lady mentioned that she saw my facebook post and didn't have time to read it.
I wanted to die.
Yes, I put it on facebook.
Yes, I want my story heard.
But I thought I would die.

Then after service, a sister wanted some support.
She is facing a deep triggering anxiety for the next 30 hours.
It's real. It's legit.
It scares me.

I will truly be okay.
No one is in danger.
She is just facing a situation that is triggering.

I came home for lunch and I feel as if I can't breathe.
i had forgotten how this felt.
I had forgotten how scary it is.
I have forgotten how my nerves just fray.
I had forgotten how animated it can make me.

And now the fire station whistle went.
Fire trucks.
Ambulances.
Cops.
The weather is quiet.
The wind is still.
It is not raining.
Yet someone, somewhere needs them.
And I can't breathe.

I have never figured out why it triggers me so.
It has bothered me for a while.

I will be okay.
I have tools to deal with it.
I have support to lean on.
I will be okay.
But it scares me.

Going Public

This is my first publish.
I call it one step to a book...
http://www.wellmamaoregon.com/birth-trauma-ptsd-recovery-story/

Wow. I am so scared who may read this.
That book is going to be hard but I think it's important.